Friday, January 22, 2010

i can haz speek n spell ?

Burning questions of the day:
  • Why do people/organizations/agencies waste money on signs for rules they never intend to enforce?
  • Why do people think its OK to chain smoke in close proximity to infants, toddlers, and pregnant women?
  • Is the particular offender I have in mind illiterate, ignorant, or just so arrogant that he serially ignores said signs, puffing away in clear sight of at least a dozen of them?
I try not to judge smokers-- individuals have the right to do what they will unto their own bodies-- indulging it, taking it for granted, and in many cases, poisoning it along the way. Hell-- I started smoking when I was 14; when I was a teenager and through most of college I smoked nearly a pack a day; and only recently have I seriously cut it out of my life (Now it's a pack every three or four months, but I still smoke occasionally when I'm drinking).

The issue for me is how blatantly most smokers ignore their surroundings while they're indulging. Smokers have a direct impact on other people around them. Personally, I almost never smoke unless I'm alone or with another smoker and I'll brave arctic tornados over smoking inside. More importantly, I never, ever, ever do it around kids or babies. I think, by all means, smoke yourself to death, but show a little respect for the people around you.

There is a guy who rides the train with me nearly every afternoon. He's probably in his 50's and he wears a "Coach" jacket for one of the high schools in the area. Every single day that I see him, I watch him suck down a cigarette on the platform before boarding the train. Usually, he does it standing in front of a 4' tall "Absolutely No Smoking" sign. The platform is a semi-enclosed area and there are almost always other passengers waiting. I always know when we'll be riding together because I walk out of the stairwell and into a cloud of smoke comparable to the inside of a "yellow room" in the Dallas/Ft. Worth airport.

My message to Coach Cigabutts: Get your head out of your ass-- you're supposed to be a role model for America's youth, and these Townie brats need a positive example more than just about anyone else!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Scott Brown winning the Special Senatorial Election? That is SO GAY!!!!!!

Source: The Boston Globe 1-19-2010

Over the past day and a half, I have uttered, shouted, whispered, and gasped the word "fuck" more than I probably have cumulatively over the last two months... and I say "fuck" a lot. Fucking nudie Scott Brown swept the Special Senatorial Election to replace the seat of Edward Kennedy, and as if that fact didn't send a scary enough message that more than half of the Commonwealth's voting population supports a candidate that is anti-woman, anti-public health, anti-social welfare and pro-deregulation, we also have to worry about his political influence and power in Washington DC.

I understand that people are angry and frustrated about the state of the economy-- I have experienced the difficulty firsthand, as have nearly all of the people I'm close to-- and I know that Scott Brown lead a powerful 'truthful' grassroots campaign. But it is FUCKING SCARY the way our nation has become so politically and socially polarized over the past thirty years.

I know I play into it. In my opinion, the economic and cultural 'truths' that Scott Brown represents are socially regressive; they are tantamount to total moral disregard for the needy, the vulnerable, and the at-risk. Last month I commented on one of the local newspaper message boards about the fact that individuals in this country are not born into an even playing field, and I immediately got called a "moonbat" and was told to move to Canada, Europe, or one of those 'other Commie' places... NEWSFLASH folks, what characterizes us as Americans is not a common disregard for the common good, pure self interest or xenophobia (although it seems more and more people are buying into this ideology every day).

Those truths we have long held to be self-evident (does "liberty and justice for all" ring a bell?) are being reduced by conservative talking heads and tea-partiers into scathing insults to be thrown back into our faces. How dare any true, blue-blooded, God-fearing American demand liberty or justice for ILLEGAL ALIENS who are stealing American jobs?!?! HOW dare you demand benefits for poor welfare mothers who just want to suck the system dry?!? Trust me, this is a G-rated version of the fear and loathing that spews from their mouths on these message boards. Check a few of them out if you haven't-- it's not just the townies who are guilty of it-- it's those cultured, educated kinsfolk, too.

'Rugged Individualism' is the name of the game, here, folks, even if its mythological bullshit. And what better way to represent that idea than show a picture of Scott Brown kicking ass and taking names in his big honking, gas guzzling truck? Hey Scott, TRUCK YOU-- your carbon footprint is probably bigger than your head after all the miles you've put on that thing over the past few months.

How ironic is it that one day after the anniversary of the birth of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr our voters elects a man who is anti-immigrant, anti-woman, anti-queer, and anti-poor? This guy has the audacity to compare himself to Edward Kennedy and promise to honor his legacy... How will you do that, Scott? By throwing yourself in front of the one piece of legislation that meant the most to him during his 40+ year career in public service? Teddy isn't the only one spinning in his grave, these days...

I was curious to see how the voters in the region where I work cast their ballots, and was dismayed (although not very surprised) to learn that Brown won in each of the nine communities by virtual landslides. Even Lowell-- a city with thriving immigrant communities but more social and economic woes than most--cast 52% of their Ballots for Brown. The other communities voted for him in the range of 60%-70%... I understand the region is suffering economically Lowell's 24-month unemployment rate average is 1.5% higher than the National average, and the other communities are suffering, as well. But what makes people think that this dude is going to be able to provide them with jobs and economic opportunities any faster or more efficiently than Coakley would've? Or Obama will? Tax cuts won't cut it, friends.

24 Month Comparison of Lowell's Unemployment Rate to the Nation's:
Dec '07 - Nov '09

So why is this rant relevant to the Townie Express? Knowing that people in the Lowell region voted as they had, I found myself silently cursing every Townie who boarded the train yesterday. "F-U, two-tooth," "F-U, too, Gangsta Mullet," and a BIG "F-U" to to the townie mothahs who won't shut up about how "gay" it is that half of the seats on the train force passengers to sit backwards....I know it isn't fair-- how many of the people who boarded actually voted, let alone voted for Brown? Nevertheless, cursing abounds...these are tense times, people, tense times, indeed.

I need some serious comic relief. It isn't funny how "gay" those townie moms thought the seats were, but it's funny how gay this video is. And to all the folks out there whose votes elected Scott Brown to office on Tuesday, don't forget how gay your teabagging parties are...even if you dress up like Paul Revere himself; distribute comics to kiddies about hellfire and brimstone; sew Obama VooDoo dolls; and set fire to piles of Martha Coakley lawn signs-- a set of balls in your mouth is STILL A SET OF BALLS IN YOUR MOUTH! And as one friend of mine pointed out, Scott Brown looks like he's dying for a set in his!

Going Vogue: A How-To Manual by Senator Scott Brown

Special Thanks to Illustrator Steve Bell for sparing us all the cartoon pubes.

the cashew that broke the critic's back

After nearly a year of riding the train back and forth five days a week, I have finally made my first commuter friend!!!! It shouldn't surprise you that it is the one and only Ice-T's-Character-from-Tank-Girl-Kangaroo-Dude!

That's right, after asking me about my laptop and telling me that he also wants to "get his Mac on!," Kangaroo-Dude offered me some cashews. Admittedly, when he did, some of them came flying out his mouth and landed on my jacket, screen, and in my hair, but no matter! And who cares if he introduced himself to everyone who boarded and offered them his salty nutz, Kangaroo-dude, WE ARE NOW AND 4-EVA NUT BROTHERS. As such, I promise never again to take secret pics of you doing your strange crotch-stretching seat-crunches and post them to the internet. We have officially broken bread... er, cashew, and that sacred bond cannot be broken.

BFF's 4 Lyf!

Thursday, January 7, 2010


The conductor just came in and started screaming his head off about passengers drinking on the train. "IF YOU'RE DRINKING, NEXT STOP-- THROW IT OFF, NO QUESTIONS ASKED. IF YOU DON'T, I'M CALLING THE POLICE!!!"

conductor walks away.

Car full of Townie Massholes (in unison): "HEY! Who's Holdin' out?!?! Got any EXTRAHS?!?!"

Drunken Townie Masshole (in response): ::BURRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP::

Car full of Townie Massholes (in unison): "YEAHHHHH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"

I sure wish the conductor had been that assertive to the masshole who was CHAIN SMOKING on the train last week before the game... although after the exchange I am left wondering whether the more appropriate question would've been Who's not getting wasted on the train tonight?

next stop Nahth Station!

The air is filled with the sickeningly sweet aroma of merit extra golds mixed with mountain dew, while the soft murmur of townsfolk who drop their "ah's" is superceded only by the tap tap tapping of acrylic nail on smart phone keypad... yes, that's right, passengers, tonight we will all be shouting "LET'S GO, BRUINSSSSS!!!" And what better way to commemorate this joyous occasion than a recap of a conversation between the conductor and two snotty-assed townie massholes?

Townie Masshole #1 (female): "Whaddya MEAN ya cahn't break a $100??"

Conductor: "We need change for other passengers; it says on the schedule that we can't break anything larger than a $50."

Townie Masshole #1: "Well what are WE suppastah do about it?!"

Conductor: "Did you see the schedule? We can't break a $100."

Townie Masshole #1: "Oh, we NEVAH read THAT thing!"


Conductor: "I'm gonna have to come back to you after i collect from everyone else." [walks away]

Townie Masshole #2 (male): ::snickersnicker:: "No change? NO TICKETS! Looks like we-ah riding fah FREE!"

Here's hoping these knuckleheads see a WIN tonight!

In anticipation of victory, another wintery, hockey-inspired cocktail:

The Dunqarie

- Two dunkin donuts turbo shots (YEAH, BRAH!)
- A fifth of Jahgah
- 1 cup of shaved ice (the stuff you scrape off your skates works best, although snow works; just watch out for the yellow snow found all around the perimeter of the Gallagher Transportation Terminal)

1. Lick the top of an extra lahj dunkies cup and then stick the rim in sweet 'n lo
2. Add turbo shots and jahgermiester
3. Add shaved ice and/or snow
4. Stir vigorously with one of those giant dunkies coolata straws
5. Garnish with a donut hole

Like most creamy, caffeinated beverages, it is enjoyed best when immediately chased with a Natty Ice tall boy.

C'est Magnifique!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

a taxonomy of tacky fan gear

Which came first-- the pink soccer mom/ swamp donkey sox hat or the kelly green celtics santa hat?

While razor-tongued moms from the 'burbs would love for you to think it was the former, the prevalence of the latter on this evening's inbound train makes me wonder... to honors these Supahfans who are clearly en route to the game, i will share with you the secret recipe for the themed-cocktail of choice among Celtics fans riding the train this evening. Drink responsibly, kids.

The Tanked Townie, aka the Lahh-ree Bahd

1 part natty ice
2 parts creme de menthe
2 drops of green food coloring

1. combine all liquid ingredients into a lahj dunkies cup;
2. add ice and shake until frothy and green;
3. strain into a 2-litre mountain dew bottle;
4. garnish with a slim jim or twizzler "straw"

"Dude, I haven't been this drunk since the night when I set that c-ah on fi-ah aftah the Patriahts won the Supah Bowl!!!!!!

a junkie's promise

although weary of reducing all inbound commuters into townie stereotypes reminisent of the Lowell-inspired HBO classic documentary High on Crack Street, last Friday's encounter with one seat-digging-for-pennies, clearly-nodding-out-at-8am, half-smoked-cigarette-sucking individual left me with the same unsettling feeling that I had after seeing the documentary for the first time shortly after beginning my job in the City. Locals often complain about the bad rap that their dear Mill City gets from outsiders, but seriously-- when your morning commute is interrupted by a junkie's icy stare (this is somehow possible despite the fact that his eyes are rolled back in his head) and bony fingers being shoved between your butt and the back of your seat fishing around frantically for loose coinage, tell me-- what is a person supposed to think?